Has your idea of what makes a good friend changed as you’ve gotten older?

Yes it had definitely changed. When I was younger if I said we were friends I believed it to be true. In my mind the statement and label made it true. I did not concern myself too much with the actions of the person or even my actions towards the person. As you get older you start to realize that you have certain expectations for those that you call your friends and what I also realize is you don’t necessarily have to let them know your expectations, sometimes you are just on the same page.

I worked with an older lady, I think I was in my 20s and she was probably in her 50’s or 60’s and she told us that she had an old group of friends that had moved away. She said the best way to stay friends was not to focus too much on who hadn’t called, who had been to what birthday party and to just enjoy the time when you see each other and I thought that was good advice.

That was almost 10 years ago and now I think I disagree. I have seen this narrative online, heard it from people but to be a friend includes a thing called effort. It includes engaging in someone else’s life in a meaningful way, considering that they may also have things happening in their lives. As we grow up we are no longer obligated to spend 24/7 with each other but that does not give us permission to be bad friends that never show up for others.

My grandfather passed away last month and I haven’t been able to write about it because it’s hard for me to put down exactly what he meant to me but a woman that gave a speech from his church summed it up perfectly he showed up for people and he did so all the time, and without too many expectations.

A good friend is not just there for the fun times, the single days or when they need support. They are there when you have your highs and lows and show up for you in a meaningful way, whatever that means for you.