Tag Archives: relationships

On New Year’s Day

How did you meet your significant other?

So the story goes. . .

I went out with one of my besties on New Year’s Eve and what a night! It was such a good time I lost my AirPod! Yet again I was in England and had lost an AirPod.

I tried to find it but decided that incase I needed to buy new AirPods I would take the bus and save the taxi fare for the replacement AirPods. So off I went on my search, no luck with finding the AirPod so i had to take the bus home. I decided let me use the bathroom in Wethespoon as it was almost an hour bus ride.

As I went in I looked up and felt someone looking at me, I didn’t really think much of it. I was on a “break” from dating that was technically ending on that day but it felt a little too early to even be thinking about it, plus I was heartbroken about my AirPod.

Long story short a few weirdos later I was sitting in the bus and I heard “Can I sit?” I laughed, shrugged my shoulders and said something sarcastic like “It’s a free bus” but he insisted “Yes, buttt can I sit?” “I guess” I said laughing and as the youth would say the rest is history.

Or so the story goes.

Figure out the root cause

What strategies do you use to cope with negative feelings?

I think the best strategy to cope with negative feelings is figuring out why you are feeling that way. Is it something that has been bubbling up but you have just been ignoring it?

I was watching a video about getting jealous of friends and of course everyone is perfect on the internet and no-one has ever been jealous of a friend or compared themselves with an acquaintance. I, however, could totally relate to that feeling of wondering “What am I doing wrong?” or “How come this hasn’t worked for me?”

I think one thing that is often triggering is having a wonderful or normal day scrolling on your phone, and before you know it, all you can think about is what is wrong with your life. In these situations I think you just need to sit with yourself and reflect, pray or really dig deep to think why did that make me feel bad? Is this something that I actually want, care about or do I just think I want it because someone else has it.

Another thing to consider is what it represents for you; you may see your friend making more money and think that’s what you want but in reality you haven’t realized that you hate your job and desire a change. So you get that negative feeling but it is really nothing to do with that “LinkedIn post” but instead what you are feeling is a desire for change in your life.

I find once you identify what is giving the negative feeling power it’s easier to cope with it. If you don’t know why you are feeling that way it’s easy to drown in that feeling. Lastly the best way to cope with negative feelings is to know that this feeling will pass, nothing is permanent.

A Kiss In Joburg – On Love from Africa Selections 

“Why did you kiss me?” he asked.
“You kissed me,” I replied.
“Fuck you,” he retorted.

I looked out the window, smiling. He was driving me to the airport. I had spent the night at his house because Johannesburg is a dangerous place—especially for a Zimbabwean woman alone with too many bags and no access to Wi-Fi.

The plan had been simple: I would arrive in Joburg, and a driver from my hotel would pick me up from the airport. He would meet me later in a neutral place. We were just supposed to have drinks because I was in town. 

A lady has to maintain some decorum when meeting a man in a foreign country. But things didn’t go as planned. The free Wi-Fi refused to connect, and my phone wouldn’t make calls. I asked a woman nearby if I could use her phone. She agreed but warned me, “You shouldn’t be out here alone. Even I’m afraid to be out here alone.” 

I called him and explained that my phone wasn’t working and the driver hadn’t arrived.
“What do you want me to do?” he asked—not rudely, but in a “what’s the solution?” kind of way.
I asked if he could pick me up. He said he’d be there soon.

So I waited. It felt like forever. My mind started to wander, as it often does. What if he doesn’t come? Is this a good idea? We’ve only met once before this. Sure, we’ve talked on the phone, and I was introduced to him in Zimbabwe, but this is South Africa. Oh boy, how do I get myself into these situations?

Then he arrived—still as handsome as I remembered. He helped me with my bags and asked if I wanted anything to eat. I couldn’t help wondering where his car was. It must have shown on my face because he said, “Unoterwa nematsotsi if you use flashy cars at night.”

We decided it made no sense to go to the hotel—his place was closer. At least, that’s what he claimed.

He was Zimbabwean, handsome, and confident—he had told me he knew he’d already “made it.” Fast forward a year. We hadn’t really spoken since I got back home. He was upset that nothing had happened between us—sulking in that way men do, hoping to make you feel like you owe them your body.

Then, one day, I was scrolling through my phone and saw the news. Someone had been shot. The photo caught my eye. “Mmm, he looks like G,” I thought. I looked again, thinking, There’s no way. A quick search confirmed it: he was gone.

In my mind, when I returned home next, I’d planned to reach out to him. Maybe pick up where we’d left off—or finish whatever we’d been trying to start.

“Why did you kiss me?” he asked.
“You kissed me,” I replied.

Now, maybe we kissed each other. It’s hard to remember what really happened when one person is gone.

Lying

What personality trait in people raises a red flag with you?

We all tell little lies.

“I’m busy next Saturday I can’t go out with you”, when in reality we just want a night in or “No! You haven’t gained that much weight”, to avoid hurting a friends feelings.

Then there are what I call the “proper liars” you don’t realize it at first because you think why would someone lie about something like that? “My mother died” “I’ve been accepted in to a masters program” “I come from Finland”(random confessions of a shopperholic reference). I know these examples are probably to do with the persons self esteem or how they want you to see them but then I even knew a girl that lied she had been hanging out with my aunt and when I asked my aunt, she didn’t know who the girl was. Strange right?

It’s that ability to completely make something up, share it with someone knowing it’s a lie and there is no real reason to tell the lie, that raises a personality red flag to me.

See the examples I give are large lies but it never starts with the large lies it’s always little little lies that are not to spare feelings or get out of awkard situations, but they are to manipulate someone’s perspective. “O yes I went to the same school as you” but they didn’t. I think the lies aim to build a sinister foundation in a relationship or friendship or maybe to give a false sense of camaraderie?

But there can be no foundation or camaraderie based of lies.

Heartbreak – The Settle down Selections

Last few years I’ve had my heartbroken, now I’m ok, I survived. 

To the friends that slowly stopped responding until it had been years since we spoke, my heart is always open for you. 

To the family members that let me down, some for the first time, some are repeat offenders my heart is broken.

Some showed me that maybe we are not as close as I thought and my wellbeing is not nor has it ever been their concern. I’m disappointed and our relationships will never be the same but I’m ok.

To the man I fell in love with so fast I failed to see I was standing out there alone I wish you well, because you promised me nothing.